Welcome to the New Year

Waking up this morning gave me an odd feeling. It was a refreshing sort of feeling. It wasn't a refreshing feeling like when you finish cleaning your house after you let things build up for a month, nor was it a refreshing feeling like downing half a liter of Mountain Dew in three seconds. It wasn't even a refreshing feeling like when you take a leak into a stall in a cold, frosty bathroom and get the kickback heat warming your lower body. What it was was hard to explain, but it was definitely a refreshing in a mental sense.

As I stood in the shower, already ten minutes late for work, as is usual, it came to me. All my worries, all my troubles, seemed to disappear. I still felt sick physically, as I have for the past two and half weeks, but my brain seemed clear. This mental dilemma I have been suffering through for the past couple weeks flowed down the drain with the shampoo being rinsed out of my hair. As I lathered and cleansed myself my work problems felt washed away. And as I got out and dried myself off, it came to me.

It is a bit of a shame, however, cuz I have no idea what "it" is. I don't normally feel any different when New Year's rolls around. When the ball drops and the drinks are had and the kisses are shared, everything always feels the same as it did only moments before. I never have resolutions because I'm always a work in progress. I evaluate myself constantly and feel like it's a good trait to have.

Going into New Year's Eve I felt the same as I do every single year. What's your New Year's resolution? They would ask me that for sure. I tried to think of a premeditated answer I could automatically spit out before they even finished asking the question. Maybe I could tell them.....nah. Or maybe I could.....nah.

Hmph. Oh well, same ole same ole.

There was no use in trying to come up with a resolution that wasn't true. I'd just tell them the same old crap, "I don't really have one...."

What a dunce.

I waited for it. I sat and drank my vodka and beer as I warmed up for the New Year's bash, but the weirdest thing happened. The ball dropped, the wine and champagne were had, the kisses were shared, yet no one had asked me that stupid question. I didn't have an answer, so I didn't really mind it, but how weird it was not to have to hear it.

I was out of town until last night, and had felt the same as I usually do....until this morning. I felt pretty relaxed as I rolled into work. I immediately waltzed myself over to the coffee machine so I could soak in my brown liquid drug habit, and headed to my desk. I stared at the mountain of paperwork that was strewn upon my desktop, and then I realized what it was.

This year, for the first time in a long time, I have a resolution: play more poker! Last year my life was all over the place. My living situation wasn't set, my job was supposed to be better than it was, and my car was a clunking, smoking piece of shit. At the very end of the year I finally got everything settled.

I got a new apartment, a raise, and a new car. The problem with all that being that the money from my raise went to a new apartment and a new car, so I had no spare cash to play. Going to Vegas in December was a treat, and I had a little bit of cash to gamble with, and when I ran out I was lucky enough to have back in the poker games and was able to get my losses covered for the trip.

Now it's time to really play the game. This year I forsee quite a few Vegas trips and a lot of playing time. I know I have what it takes to play it well, and I have a small bankroll now that I feel that I can really turn into something. I haven't spent nearly enough time playing poker, drinking, and gambling as I should have. I haven't done enough blow or seen enough ass in my day, and it's time to turn that around.

I have a decent job with a great boss, and I love the area I live in. I somewhat enjoy security of a regular paycheck, but there are just too many times when I get in these zones and moods where I don't ever wanna step foot through in this office again. And it's not that I don't like my job either, I just often wonder if it's what I really want. And if it is, is it what I really want NOW, at this point in my life?

I don't really see myself quitting to play cards right now, I don't see it happening this year, and I don't particularly see it happening anytime soon. What I do know is that I need to start playing more for my own good. Even when I lose and I get pissed, somehow it relaxes me at the same time. It's the only thing that gives me the rushes I feel that I need in my life, and playing only leads to good things as far as I'm concerned.

I also need to start writing more. It's something that I enjoy doing and it's something that I could really get good at if I did more of it. Reading people like Dr. Pauly's blog inspires me to write and hopefully I can learn a thing or two about it by keeping up on reading his....

In other news after a year and half of living in Santa Barbara, I finally feel like I'm starting to LIVE in Santa Barbara. Part of that reason is my little chick friend. She really puts a smile on my face and no matter what's going on in my life I always feel good when she's around. If I can find a perfect balance between work, cards, and relationships, I might just be alright in this world.

Often enough I find myself not being content with the world. People piss me off, laws piss me off, and sometimes I really don't even feel like going outside. Other times I love everyone. Hopefully with enough balance in my life in general, I can find a way to relax and get back to a state of being happy constantly. I'm close, I just gotta get the wheels moving.

Until next time.