The Longest Road

We’re currently on the longest road ever, the road from LA to Vegas. This is a trip that you want to take because you know what the end result will be, but you are deathly afraid of the time it takes to get there. Imagine being offered a lifetime of free money but you had to get kicked in the nuts by a horse wearing a steel shoe first. Sure the money would be great, but how do you prepare for the feeling of having your balls up in your stomach?

But this isn’t a nutsack kicking contest, it’s a car ride, so let me explain. First, you have to deal with LA traffic. We left late enough to not have to deal with it this time, but there’s still always more traffic than I’d like to deal with driving around those parts. After you get out of LA you have to be on the road for six (read three) hours before you finally hit Baker, which is a total tease.

Once you hit Baker you feel like you’re so close. After not seeing any establishments or major signs of civilizations for hours driving through the barren desert, the small town is a welcome sight. Then you realize that Vegas is “just over that hill.” You must be close, right? Isn’t that what all these buildings mean?

Negative. An hour and half later you finally hit the outskirts of Vegas, only to be waiting in anticipation for another 25 minutes after you hit Buffalo Bill’s.

Of course the trip, in its entirety, takes around four hours if planned at the right time of night. But I’m telling ya it feels a lot longer! I tend to exaggerate sometimes…

It actually goes by a lot quicker at night. When you’re driving through an oblivion of blackness you don’t have time to watch every passing cactus and bush. Cactus. Cactus. Cactus. Tumbleweed. Cactus. Yeah that gets old real quick.

It’s all of the anticipation that really makes it a long trip. Sure we could fly, but I’ll split an $80 gas tab with Darsky over a $350 plane ticket for the time being. More money for food and blackjack, two of life’s great pleasures which you know you should handle in moderation yet which you go overboard with all the time. Those and masturbation.

Anyways. We’re currently on the 15 evading slow car after slow car, and blowing past campers, trailers, and big Ralph’s semi-trucks. We passed a FedEx truck and I couldn’t help but imagine where the hell this guy was going. I almost wanted to drive the guy off the road, rip him out of the driver’s seat, and pound him into the ground until he told me where my fuckin chip racks were that I ordered two weeks ago.(I hate bad online merchants. Online merchants have become a staple of my life, and when I run across a bad one it really gets under my skin.)

After we passed him I forgot about the whole thing and was immediately teased by the Alberston’s truck. My stomach has been growling for the past couple hours, but I can’t wait to get to Vegas. I like the food out there better.

We’re on the way and I’m stoked. I made a vow to hang out with John more on this time around, so hopefully he’ll have some cash to go play with Dar and me. If not we’ll at least get some food and have a convo or two.

Oh and let me throw this in there for Darsky real quick since we’re talking about it as we’re driving. CHICKEN FRIED CHICKEN!!

Until next time.