Rethoughts

At the beginning of December Darsky and I decided to make a trip to Vegas for one weekend a month for every month of this year. We hadn't really thought about where we were gonna stay or anything, we just planned on finding a room and playing through the weekend with briefs stints of sleep and food in between.

It seemed like a great idea then, and still sounds like a mind-blowingly brilliant idea now, but it seems a little bit more unrealistic than it did last month. It could just be my decimated self-esteem and my unwillingness to accept the fact that I might not be as good as I think I am, but thinking will do that sometimes.

I was ready to move out to Vegas in September and just get a job (hopefully as a poker dealer) because I was tired of the shitty work I was doing, and I hadn't had it in mind to go back to school. But in October things in the office changed and I got a big promotion, with much more promised in the year to come. Obviously with all the ass-kissing I couldn't leave then, and practically locked myself into the position I'm in now.

I got an instant raise to 80% more than what I was making, and could finally survive in this town. I was finally able to save money and spend money at the same time.

In December, after experiencing a pretty shitty birthday, I went to Vegas with a couple buddies and had an awesome time. I ended up winning on the weekend, and coming back to a home full of paid bills, a waiting paycheck, and a small amount of cash to grind out.

At that point I was on top of the world so I decided to take my newfound fortune and spend it. Haha, great choice? I ended up buying a new camera, a new car, and eventually a laptop. I spent a lot of money on stuff for my apartment (which hasn't actually ended yet), and a useless brief relationship with a girl.

Then it was time to gamble and squander my physical health away on the strip again last weekend, which is something I've been craving since I left in December. When we were there I got handled by the devilish, filth-ridden, fucktards at the small limit LHE tables, and got unlucky against the non-players at the $2-5NL tables. While I admit to making a couple of bad plays, for the most part I was unlucky in all the worst situations.

I took a couple small wins from the casinos, but overall ended the trip down $1,600 in poker. Obviously $1,600 isn't nearly enough bank to play $2-5NL, but it should've been enough to make something happen, even if on the smallest of levels. Unfortunately, I didn't cash a single session the entire four-day trip.

So I returned home unsatisfied, this time to a home full of unpaid bills, and the extra burden of paying off $22,000 in monthly payments that I acquired in the previous month alone.

Today, after writing a check for $1,300 to pay part of my bills for the month, I got to wondering how I'm gonna be able to mentally handle the financial aspect of the monthly trips.

I've always hated the thought of being short on cash, and thanks to my ultimate willingness to spend countless amounts of money, I find myself in that exact position. I'll never be in a position where I have to borrow money to survive (again...). I was in that place once, and it's a time that I'll never forget. Every day you have to think about how much you owe what person, and it really messes with your head. Every extra dollar you have isn't actually yours, and every minute that passes while you sit in your room not spending someone else's money is another minute that you get to think about how you came to be in such a pathetic state.

I'll also never be in a position where I'm scraping rock bottom in order to eat every day. But at the same time being where I am now is sort of making me think. I live in one of the most expensive cities in the US, which doesn't really help either. The rent's more expensive, the food's more expensive, and the activities are more expensive than anywhere else I've lived before.

The majority of the population of Santa Barbara is either millionaires or homeless, with a small amount of people living semi-comfortably, which is exactly where I am even though I'm making more with this job than I ever have before.

Also, hidden in the back of my thought process is the fact that I'm getting two raises this year, the total of which equal 20% of my current salary. That brings two more thoughts into my head. I could either go every month starting this year and get backed while I rebuild my personal bank, or I could wait for the every month plan until next year when I'll have a little more cash to play with.

I love Vegas with a fiery passion. I love the lights, I love the fact that you're SUPPOSED to wake up at 6PM instead of 6AM, I love the food, and I love the environment. But I have time on my side. Being as young as I am really puts a tough crunch on things. I KNOW that I have a long time ahead of me and that I'm ahead of a lot of people in my age bracket, but I'm not a patient man.

Of course the fact that I'm so young is also relaying to me that I could go out to Vegas and hump a crappy job for a little bit and pay a third of the rent that I'm paying out here until I get a little stash going and can play full time. If it didn't work out, at least I'd have time to start a life somewhere else.

Blah...my brain is all over the place. Decisions, decisions. All this back and forth thinking is making me...hungry? I'm gonna go eat.