"Jesus! What've you been livin' on?!"

It's sad, isn't it? When I can't even pay $500 for a tournament. And I call myself a poker player?? Times are rough, it's true. But come on, $500? In today's world that should be money to scoff at, yet here I am hemming and hawing over the fact that I don't even want to spend money on necessities because I don't wanna feel like I'm down to the bone. Though I pretty much feel that way already.

I should have money, I should have lots of it. Thanks to a 3-year long-distance relationship with my ex-girlfriend (yes I'm blaming it on her, too) and the fact that for some reason I am not equipped with the natural ability to save money, I have nothing. I'm learning now, but it's too late now. If I had learned years ago then maybe life would be different. Maybe if I wasn't such an idiot before then I wouldn't feel like one now. I might have a nice car, a nice apartment, and more toys than I could imagine. But not now, Chris, congratulations cuz you suck at life. THANK YOU FUCK YOU. Yes I went on a small rush when I was Mashin regularly, but most of that's gone now, thanks to my love of buying useless shit and losing some of my winnings back on a truely disgusting run of cards over a month-long span. So I'm left to sit here every day to ponder what happened. It was supposed to be skill, not a rush.

Admittedly I've run into some really bad luck in order to lose most of it back, so perhaps it was skill. But now I have no money to find out for sure. People tell me the bad run was bad luck, and I want to believe it. But how many times does a poker player have to go broke until he finally hits it?? Whatever. I'm not even going to Vegas until December. Hopefully I'll be able to make a splash once I can get away from fuckin Chumash.

I know that if I could get back into the game I could crush it again. The last time I played I felt it, I felt good. I felt my play was good. I know that if I could get back on my feet in life then I could cruise along with that too. I'm level-headed now, I'm ready to do this. Every now and then someone just needs a little help. Unfortunately for me I have no more options for help. The only help I get is words, and sometimes those who need help need more than words. So it's on me now.

Wish me luck.

PS - Haha and in no way is any of this "getting back on my feet in life" about drugs, FORTUNATELY I've never had to travel down that road. It has to do with finances, as it usually does with most poker players. Just thought I'd throw that out there. And also I realize that I'm more fortunate than some people out there, and I'm appreciative of that. But at the same time it hurts on a personal level to think back where I went wrong and to know that I could've done things differently. Fortunately I'm still young and the world is still open to me.