Time to Clear My Head

After a painfully empty-handed release day on Tuesday, I received the controversial Grand Theft Auto IV yesterday. The game was kept on a "hush-hush" level throughout it's production and all the way up to its release date. While there was obviously a lot to be expected of this masterpiece, I wasn't really sure what I could want out of a next generation console.

I decided to preorder it merely days before it was released since I had barely paid any attention to it at all. I had to pop in GTA: San Adreas when I first thought about buying the latest installation, and within an hour of replaying one of the funnest games I played on the XBOX, I knew I'd have to have to have its 360 cousin. Now, after putting in a night's worth of playing time, I'm glad I kept in the family.

This is a huge game. The physics, the game engine itself, the graphics, the gameplay, the storyline...all top notch. Adding in the online multiplayer function and it's variety of MP game modes really puts the double icing on this cake. This is going to end up being one of the most sold games out there, and I wouldn't be surprised to see a bunch of younguns putting their entirety into this game, regardless of the fact that it's marked for mature audiences only.

Once I got the game and plugged into it my mind seemed to get put on hold, which is a welcome treat. When I start thinking about things I tend to way overthink. Whenever I'm faced with a decision that pertains to a change in my life, it 1)is usually an unnecessary, self-imposed conundrum, and 2)something to take my mind off of my continual boredom both in the working world and at home.

It's an oddity in my life that's been occurring for a couple years now that I can't really explain. Prior to my advancement into a salary position I was a happy-go-lucky guy. Things were different before I was a fully employed dream child for a small company, and somewhere along the way a switch was flipped that turned the lights out over my general contentment. I don't remember a distinct thing that happened to make me feel the way I feel now and have been feeling for 2 years, but I've been fighting to find a way to get back to that state of mind since the day it changed.

I don't think I'm as troubled as I've come off in Sitting the Apple lately, but I'm sure it seems like it. My worries come in spurts, and I'd rather them not come at all. I'm a happy guy, I don't normally stress about much, and I try to live a care-free life because it's easier and less troublesome that way. Something's holding me back.

While it's true there have been times in the recent past where I've felt better and happier than I had in a long while, I still haven't really reached the point where I'm not worrying about things anymore. I recently found out that I'm in more financial distress than I thought, and I'm facing a decision in the near future of either keeping part of my life the same or starting all over in a new place.

As previously stated in this blog, I'm thinking heavily of Option #1: moving to Vegas for a temporary period of time. While many around me are telling me that I won't like living there, and that I simply like vacationing there, I understand their concerns but completely disagree. There are very few people who know me down to the bone and who I have shared many dark times with, and even in the gray period of my life right now they tell me I'd survive out there because of who I am. I believe that.

On the other hand, do I really want to leave the security of a paycheck? The fact that I finally owe a substantial amount of money to my credit cards is making me a hermit in the ocean of freedom. I obviously don't want to move to a new place with accumulated credit riding my coat tails, and relatively while I try in vain to pay down in full my current debts I don't want to move to a new place with no set job while I have no cash in my pockets.

Another option is to hump the job for the paychecks, move to a better place and, dare I say it once more, go back to school. The reason I've been in this state is that I made a bold move to leave my comfort zone and move to Santa Barbara three years ago. It was a new place, a new job, and a fresh start. I didn't know anybody out here, had no friends at first, and spent the better part of my first years here inside or in a casino. Downtown Santa Barbara's entertainment is defined as drinking. Unfortunately for me when I arrived in SB I still had years left before I was legal to drink in public. The one thing I could do is go to the local Indian casino, which allowed gamblers as young as 18. So as any reader of my blog can imagine, that's exactly what I did, and I did it often.

By the time I was able to go out and socialize downtown I was already too miserable to go out and bullshit with random people. I did take a more solid stance in hanging out with my friends in the town over a half an hour away, and thankfully I met Steph. She's definitely changed my life and although we're a drive away from each other, I'm glad we're JUST a drive away from each other.

So that leads to Option #2: move to Ventura and get a place with Steph. This would be a great decision for me mentally outside of work, but I would still face a financial dilemma. I will have my debts paid off by the time it's time to leave my current apartment, but I'll be left on the short end of the money stick and will WANT to get into a full-time job ASAP. So the question at that point is do I stay with my job and make the drive daily twice a day? What's supposed to be a 25 minute drive either way turns into an hour-long trudge northbound in the morning, and the same Hellish drive southbound at 5. And wouldn't you know it, those are exactly the directions I need to go at those times coming and going to Ventura.

The benefits of living in Ventura again would be tenfold. All of my high school friends are there, my best friends are there (with the exception of that lucky bastard who's living in Hawaii right now), and my girlfriend's there. There's stuff to do, the cost of living is acceptable and not completely retarded, there's still a beach if I want to go it (LOL SoCal), and I'm familiar with the area. The reasons I'm unhappy where I am now is basically because I'm living in the exact opposite scene of what I just described.

I don't really want to go through the hassle of getting another job if I'm moving close enough to stay in this office. For as much as I complain about this job, it seems in my mind that if I settle myself in a better living scenario most of my mental troubles will fade away. Of course only time will tell that.

So for this coming weekend, as the thoughts pile up and become trapped, I'll do what any sensible person in my situation would do: go to Vegas.