Sunday, March 30, 2008

And So Ends... of the most mentally tough weeks I've yet to have in my young life. On the plate this week were decisions of occupation, location, and determination. To this point I have yet to make any choices, but they are there to be made!

It's come to my attention recently that my current job is making me sad. It's making me bored, mad, and depressed. I'm not making any money, most of the time I have no work to do, and most of the time I'm there I daydream about what I could be doing instead and I constantly berate myself for not being in school.

One of the worst parts of the whole thing is that three and half years ago I only meant for my job to be a stepping stone. Unfortunately it became the #1 thing in my life and everything else disappeared. While it's true that it did get me out of the worst situation I'll admit to ever being in, I only meant for it to be a temporary rescue.

Now I'm so derailed from my original goals that I don't feel like I'll ever get back to where I thought I would be. What did I want to be doing? I wanted to be playing poker. I wanted to be graduating. I wanted to be doing something useful. I wanted to be instantly bettering my life so that I had a bright future ahead of me early, and in the process building myself something so awesome for the future that no one would have thought I could have done it.

And now, instead of the microwave wealth that I had so insistently believed in, I'm here in a dead-end job that won't stop promising me grand things for the future. I'm 22. I want it...NOW.

So taking all of this into account I'm strongly thinking about leaving this place when my lease ends in September. Where to...where to is the question. I could return to Ventura where my friends and my girlfriend are, where potential school futures lie if I want to drive out to CSUCI every day...where...mental normalcy lies?

Or there's the LA area...I don't know if I'd cut it out there though. I seem like a cool enough cat but I'm not sure that would suit me. Then again, I've never thought about it and I really have no idea how things go out there. Maybe I'm overthinking it.

Then on the other side of the map there's...need I say it...Vegas! Yes. Las Vegas, my golden land. I could just head out there and wing it! Crash some couches for a week or two, find a place, get a job. Maybe a dealer. Maybe a fuckin janitor. Maybe another office clerk, but in a place I would love more than anything to live in.

Of course if I did that I could play every day. My bills would be cut in half if I moved out there, and of course there's UNLV. I would love that. I would love to be able to play all the time, to get back into the game! Wouldn't I? Sure, until I sat at the table and lost my first buyin. Then it's back to Hell.

Ugh...of course Steph would die if we had to live in Vegas. I would live.

Whatever happens I still don't know what I truly WANT. I have no frickin clue what it is that I'm lookin for in life. I have ideas sometimes, but they leave my mind as soon as they come. I'm pretty sure I have ADD. I have no medical proof but

Hey I won playing blackjack today! $250 profit from a quick-decision $50 deposit.

And after all that it seems that at my ripe age of 22 I shouldn't have to face the decisions that I put on myself, but I can't help it. I don't know if I'll be bored if I'm either not worrying or celebrating something.

There was once a point that I was calm. I went to work, had a decent day, brought home a paycheck, and stayed inside not spending money and just layin around. That got boring quick.

There was once a point more recently that I thought I was an alcoholic. I went to work, had a balls-out shitty day, went to the bar, brought home a buzz, and stayed inside getting drunk until I passed out. That got boring quick. It was a drain on my wallet too.

And now here I am deciding what's next. I could go sky-diving. Does that cost money?? Damn!

I could...well shit no I couldn't everything costs money. Which brings me to the lesser worries of my week: finances...again.

I've always been good with my credit. Since the day I had my first $500 limit credit card in my freshman year at CSUN I've been good with my credit. In fact there were seldom times where I wouldn't pay off my cards in full. My car was the biggest purchase I had yet to make on credit when I was 20, and seeing as how the creditors saw fit to slap this first-time buyer with 9% APR I've been aware of just how badly interest bones you, the consumer, the borrower.

Because of my financial awareness I've paid my credit cards in full every month up until two months ago. With about half of my available credit in use because of frivolous spending (boredom-based obviously) my credit score has dropped to 731. That's not bad...but it's not what it was!! I want it perfect I want it all I want this I want

Damn I shouldn't have played those $100 hands, I could've cashed out for more...

that. But now I'm finding out that America's favorite past time is spending money one doesn't have. I now face an $1,100 purchase that I can't force myself to not make. It's not even important, this thing that I want, but I HAVE to have it. And why shouldn't I? I don't currently have the money obviously, or else there'd be no decision. But why not charge it and pay it off like most people do? What's a few credit points?

Being so young and without experience, I have no idea what a few credit points are worth. As far as I know 731 is sufficient for now, and in the current state of America's economy I'm assuming 731 is above and beyond what certain lenders are looking for. But I have no idea. I really want to buy this...

I'm always biased towards myself when it comes to making big purchases, because I know how much I've lost lifetime at gambling and how much stuff I could've bought with the money. Of course that doesn't bother me when I'm gambling. Why not? Who knows...ask a gambler. I'm not one.

I guess I could hit the BJ tables again and try to get that other $200 that I was up back...

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